Crying in Argentina? Advice columnists weigh in

MIAMI So many cheaters, so little advice.

What is a governor to do if he has been caught cheating? What about the father of eight children and star of a hit reality TV show? Or the head of a European country caught in a scandal over whether he paid for sex?

Everyone needs advice sometimes. And since they're unlikely to seek it themselves, we decided to seek it for them.

Here we ask four nationally syndicated advice columnists for their thoughts on fictional letters from real scandal magnets. The experts are Dear Prudence by Emily Yoffe of Slate magazine; Ask Amy by Amy Dickinson of the Chicago Tribune; Dear Abby; and Peter Post, director of The Emily Post Institute.

Dear Prudence,

I am the governor of a Southern state with a little problem south of the border.

It all started when I went missing and those pesky media started asking questions. My aides told people I was hiking the Appalachian Trail, but I quickly had to cut my trip short and tell the truth: I was in Argentina, where the other woman (a dear, dear friend, whom I have known for about eight years) lives.

Now our romantic e-mails are circulating and my integrity and sincerity are in question it doesn't help that I talked about breaking marital vows when I voted for President Bill Clinton's impeachment in the 1990s. Help!

Cried in Argentina

Dear Cried,

That's one bad case of post-coital tristesse you're dealing with. Since you've said you've ended it with the mistress and want to re-earn your wife's trust, your first step should be to stop bleating into the microphones about your clear desire for your girlfriend while making your wife sound like a loyal drudge. Also, stay away from the keyboard no more erotic emails about Maria's curves. Although passion, as the poets have noted, can reduce even the most rectitudinous to fools, usually people do not call press conferences to display their love sickness. So it's time for you to act like an adult, attend to the issues of state, and say you don't have any more to say about your personal life (except for dealing with questions of lies you may have told your staff, or laws you may have broken when you disappeared). When you're with your wife, be apologetic, but don't grovel. Tell her why she's the love of your life (try to sound like you mean it), and say that you will dedicate yourself to re-earning her love and trust and try not to go all weepy when the name "Maria" comes up.

Prudie

Dear Amy,

My relationship with my wife is "a total breakdown of everything" as millions watch.

We've got this reality show with our eight kids 5-year-old sextuplets and 8-year-old twins and reports started circulating that both my wife and I were having affairs, I with a 23-year-old schoolteacher and my wife with her bodyguard. We've denied everything.

We announced our separation this week on camera. Can the show go on?

Not-so-full House in Pennsylvania

Dear Not-so-full,

You and your wife have experienced a head-on collision, and because you were at the wheel, you're responsible for picking up the pieces. So do it. The first thing you both need to do is to get the cameras out of your living room; the other cameras will quickly move on. Then you should concentrate on doing the work required to become the parents your kids deserve to have. Everything you do from here on out should have their best interests at heart.

A discreet, professional marriage counselor could help you both to figure out how to talk to each other and mediate your disputes. (Handle this privately please fight your natural inclination to work this out on the Dr. Phil show.)

It will take time for you to come to grips with the fact that you're not all that special.

Mitigating your stupidity is another matter. That could take a little longer.

Amy

Dear Abby,

It's been said that I cheated on God.

A huge scandal ensued after tabloid photos surfaced of me kissing my girlfriend on a beach in Miami. Maybe because I was a Catholic priest.

I believe I love my sweetheart and I have struggled between my love for God and church and my love for service. During the scandal, I was removed from my South Beach parish and although people marched in support of me, I have became an Episcopal priest and I am allowed to get married. So, we wed soon after.

Father Oprah

Dear Father Oprah:

If you're asking me, "Did I do the right thing?" by breaking your vow of celibacy, of course the answer is no.

However, if you want to know if leaving the church so you could live your life openly and honestly was wise, I'd say you did the right thing for yourself, the woman you love and ultimately the Catholic Church. You are not the only priest who has fallen in love with someone and left the Catholic Church because of it and you won't be the last.

Abby

Dear Peter Post,

I am the prime minister of a European country known for its pizza, pasta and Prada.

At 72, I have endured corruption allegations and a playboy reputation. Now they're saying that a prostitute spent the night at my home and can prove it. I deny it all, of course. Though as we say in my country, "Women, priests, and poultry, never have enough."

My wife says she is leaving me a billionaire media magnate because she was fed up with my roving eye. My response: I have demanded an apology from my wife, of course.

What to do?

Casanova with Hair Plugs

Dear Casanova,

It's real simple: Be sure you are telling the truth. Don't twist the facts and respond with only the truth. If you are denying that you have done these things and it comes out that you did, you will be in trouble. The truth is very important. Don't obfuscate the facts.

I would say, be consistent in what you are saying. The problem is the press will find out the facts.

I would make sure in an open letter to the public to state all the facts and not play fast and loose with the definition of a word. Larry King is the place to go.

As soon as you cannot be sincere with the people you interact with, getting the trust back is 10 times more difficult. Then people will not believe anything you have to say. Then it's over for you, you're cooked.

Sincerity and truthfulness are what really matter.

Peter Post