From O.J. to Aggies, with lots in between, here is a fresh batch of “David Citations” for the interesting, weird and just plain zany in sports:
IF THE JAR DOESN’T FIT: O.J. Simpson was reportedly caught stealing oatmeal cookies from the prison where he is incarcerated. Comedian Jimmy Fallon said, “But officials bungled the case when his hand didn’t fit in the jar.” The report came from the National Enquirer. True or false, sometimes it’s best not to let facts get in the way of a good citation.
THERE MAY BE A HEISMAN WINNER IN THE HOUSE, BUT THE MUSIC DIES: Citing the time needed to give some in-house recognitions, University of Arkansas officials forbid the highly regarded Texas A&M marching band from participating in halftime ceremonies at Fayetteville.
AND TUSK ATE ALL THE MILK BONES: The ban also went to Reveille, the Aggie dog mascot.
SINCE HE MARCHES TO THE BEAT OF A DIFFERENT DRUMMER, THEY TRIED TO CLASSIFY JOHNNY MANZIEL AS A BAND MEMBER: But it didn’t work and he played against the Hogs.
THE INJURY BUG TAKES A BIG BITE: Vilonia’s football team began the season with 19 seniors. Because of various injuries, only three were available for Friday’s game at Harrison. Three had surgery last week. The most notable injury was a serious knee dislocation to Houston Cotton, who required three different vascular-related surgeries to save his leg. The good news is he was reportedly released from a Memphis hospital last week.
QUOTH THE BRONCOS, NEVERMORE: University of Central Arkansas fans, wearing purple, received a hearty chorus of boos when they entered a Denver sports bar during the Bears’ trip to Colorado. Things settled down when it was explained to them that the purple represented UCA. The fans in the bar were watching the Denver Broncos play the Baltimore Ravens, who also have purple as a primary color. They thought the Bear fans were Raven fans.
MOST CONSCIENTIOUS ATHLETE: At this year’s Bear Nation celebration, UCA cross country runner Edward Limo was spotted an hour or so before the event began, in his Aramark uniform (he is a student worker), helping set up the serving line. Limo was nominated for two individual honors to be presented at the dinner. He hadn’t told his superiors. When informed, his bosses excused him to change into award banquet worthy clothing in order to go on stage and be recognized with his fellow nominees. After he was recognized as a top student athlete, Limo returned to his room, changed and came to help his fellow workers clean up at the Farris Center.
CLEANEST GAME: Neither Hendrix nor Birmingham-Southern had a turnover in their recent football game, a 35-32 victory by BSC.
WHOOPS: Former UCA athlete and legendary coach Don Jones, speaking at a meeting of the Arkansas Sports Club, recalled when he was coaching junior high basketball at Conway and the Kittens were playing at Ridgeroad Junior High in North Little Rock. Conway hit a last-second shot to seemingly tie the game at the buzzer. Then, Jones saw Ridgeroad coach John Narkinsky and the officials huddled around the scorer’s table checking the scorebook. Sensing a conspiracy, Jones rushed to the table shouting, “I don’t care what that shows, we ARE going to overtime!” Those gathered started laughing and walked away. Jack Fulmer, one of the officials, then approached Jones with a smile and said, “Coach, that scorebook shows you winning.”
THOSE GREEN AND GOLD BEARS ARE AS OFFENSIVE AS OREGON DUCKS: Baylor’s Bears have scored more than 60 points in three straight football games, including a 70-7 romp of Louisiana Monroe. That’s the first time that has happened in college football since 1930. Baylor has also scored 28 points in the first quarter three straight games and that hasn’t happened since a Sam Bradford-led Oklahoma team did it in 1996.
AN OLDIE BUT GOODY: We couldn’t pass up a weekend of Texas A&M emphasis without a retro Aggie joke: Why do they not have ice in the Texas A&M cafeteria? The senior who had the recipe graduated.
BUT THIS ONE IS TRUE, HONEST TO GOODNESS: It’s one of my favorite signs ever. It was spotted years ago on a Southwest Conference football press tour, where reporters were taken to every school for preseason information. As the reporters walked across the floor at the old G. Rollie White Gymnasium, there was a sign at one end that read, “Do Not Walk Across The Gym Floor During Archery Practice.”
(Sports columnist David McCollum can be reached at 501-505-1235 or email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter @dmaclcd)