I came around through the backside of town the other day and there, by the lone stoplight, it happened: A unicorn popped up next to the car (a Pontiac Sunfire, a sporty yet practical transportation accesory) and started wiping down my windshield with a filthy rag soaked in something which was, one pressumes, once soapy.

It then came to the window: "Spare change sir? Got any spare change man? I washed your window for you!"

Curses! A unicorn panhandler.

This is a growing problem in our community, for several reasons. First, unicorns don't have opposable thumbs, so when they wipe down your windshield they do it with the force of their big stupid horse weight pressing down and it's likely to break something, maybe blow out a strut or something (on your practical yet sporty transportation accesory).

Second, a unicorn out panhandling isn't paying attention to its regular duties, which have something to do with rainbows. So you wind up with all these abandoned rainbows all around, which is great if you're a Disney character or a choreographer, but if you're like the rest of us -- good solid American citizens -- then you have this rainbow slop sloshing through the gutters -- and soap can't get that stuff off, no sir! (And the smell! Who knew rotting rainbows had such a stench? It's awful!)

I could go on (you ever seen one of these clapped out unicorns show up at a birthday party? Kids crying, plus that rainbow stench, it's awful....)

All because of cutbacks in cute after the great Let's Be Serious Internets storm of '98.

We need to get the unicorns out of this town before their big stupid horse weight cracks every windshield in town. Send 'em out to Vilonia or something, all I'm sayin'.